Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with current affairs, so someone who’s better-informed, please tell me: when did Charlie Sheen become a Middle East dictator?
“They suffocated my soul, they hijacked my brain, they brainwashed my friends and my family,” Charlie told the host. “Now I hate them violently and I will use every soldier in my army to defend myself against them, ‘cause they will come at me.”
Sheen had far more to say besides, as the astounded host, Alex Jones, held on for the ride. Below, a file photo of Charlie during this conversation:
“I am so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second,” bragged Sheen at one point … “Step up and change it, change it right now. Look your father in the eye and say, ‘You’re wrong, I’m different I’m better, watch me, watch me bury you.’”
Huh… a life of drugs and hookers makes you spacefuck crazy. Who knew?
“I have a disease?” he said. “Bulls—. I cured it… with my mind… it’s all good guys. Quit panicking. No panic, no judgment… You can kill me but you do not have the right to judge me … I can’t use the word sober because that’s a term from those people, and I have cleansed myself. I have closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself from this ridiculous model of disease and addiction and obsession… It’s just the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. You know?”
“Winning” is possibly street slang for “crap-ton of blow.”
Now, while all this was going on, CBS was patiently waiting for him to get himself back to some semblance of health, so he can return to filming Two and a Half Men and make everybody truly prodigious amounts of money. This was enough of a concern to Sheen that he reportedly offered to pay the salaries of the out-of-work crew. I wonder if they’ll take a check from the First National Bank of Planet Bedlam.
“News flash: I am special, and I will never be one of you… I’m going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view.” … In one of several seemingly incomprehensible exchanges with radio interviewer Jones, Sheen refers to the two of them as “Vatican assassin warlocks.”
The truly incomprehensible part of this is that the impromptu interview had nothing to do with Charlie’s Angels, or his army, or his magicking himself to sobriety… it’s not even that he used the term “magic” as realistic, while rejecting the term “sober” as fantasy. This whole thing started because Charlie felt compelled, mere days before his scheduled return to work, to go ahead and start lobbing dynamite at his boss, producer Chuck Lorre.
Sheen blasted Lorre as a “charlatan” and “turd” whose “tin can” material Sheen “effortlessly and magically convert[s]… into pure gold.” … “I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process.” [Sheen] called Two and a Half Men co-creator Chuck Lorre a “clown” and said his real name is “Hymie” Levine. Lorre was born Charles Michael Levine.
Of course, Sheen himself was born Carlos Irwin Estevez.
Anyway, apparently enough’s enough for CBS, and they’re pulling the plug for the remainder of the season. Amid the ranting, Sheen claimed, “I was told if I went on the attack, they would cancel the show and all that and so I’m just sort of seeing if they’re telling the truth or not.” And that may be the most lucid thing about this whole saga – at least in Sheen’s mind. He was told to behave himself, and he decided to stick it to the Man. The Man has stuck back.
Sheen also claimed, “I got poetry at my fingertips,” and not to be outdone, he decided to try to prove it – he wrote an open letter to Lorre that TMZ gladly posted. One pictures them getting the letter, starting to read it, and slowly realizing that even their wildest expetations were falling well short of what they had. I hope nobody sprained their faces grinning so hard. They probably broke the sound barrier rushing this letter into print. A sample:
“I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. … Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists… I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.”
A few years ago, this would be an open invitation to start a fake Charlie Sheen blog titled “March Up the Steps of Justice,” wherein faux-Sheen would rave about too much pulp in his orange juice and promise swift vengeance upon the kid who keeps chucking his Sunday papers into the bushes. Last year, it would have been a fake Twitter account. But now, this is just not on the cards. Charlie’s too crazy. Nobody could possibly invent any better than Sheen is doing right now.